Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
