He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
The air taste purple.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
