i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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