im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
