So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
