mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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