Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
