He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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