DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
