the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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