I think scott just propositioned me for sex
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
