Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
