I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
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I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
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I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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