There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
