I'm laying in your front yard are you home
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
