Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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