Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
