I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
