You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
