I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Randomize
