Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
