p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
