Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
