i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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