Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
