my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
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if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
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At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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