she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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