FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize