I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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