aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
