I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
