So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
