I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
