I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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