I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
