so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
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