i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
