I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
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One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
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Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Your penis caused this!
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