Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
