i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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