She went from zero to smokin in five shots
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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