I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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