cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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