If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
