he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
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