She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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