I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
