I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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