My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Semen is not good for contacts.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
