Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
