so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
