Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
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