Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
accomplished twins. life is a go
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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