I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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