I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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