I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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