Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
